After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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