Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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