Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
