His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
