the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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