My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
