There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
