I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you