I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
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shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
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My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again