oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
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I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
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well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.