I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
