I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
