My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
The air taste purple.
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