i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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