i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
