Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
