She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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