A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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