I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
