i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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