apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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