Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
