guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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