you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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