is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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