Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
