oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
