i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize