and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
