That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
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Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
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I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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