K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
