she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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