She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I will pee on everything he values.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
