Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
what is it with giant penises always finding me
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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