As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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