the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
