i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
