you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
