how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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