That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
