I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
