I'm sorry my penis didn't work
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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