dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
