I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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