i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
