I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
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I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
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I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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