i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
