I wish I could punch you in the face.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
