Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
