Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
