new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
