Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
