What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
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I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
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We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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