OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
