I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
40s are totally the cure
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
