he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Princesses don't give blow jobs
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
