I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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