so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
These tits shall not be calmed
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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