There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
