why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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